I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
