I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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