I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
this hospital has no fireball
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
