Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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