I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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