You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
