Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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