a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
