ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You have to summon your inner elephant
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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