I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
