It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
