i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
he fucked my hip out of place.
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the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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