She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
