He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
