I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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