if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
