On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Randomize
