I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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