u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
soo... how was my night?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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