I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
sarcasm needs its own font
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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