Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
