: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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