I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
