Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
