So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
