oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
