I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
