I wish I could teleport
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
