Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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