Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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