I met the friendliest cop last night
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
In other news, I just burned my penis
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I need water and some morals
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
