so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
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i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
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The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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