The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
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