Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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