pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
