so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
