I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
