you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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