apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
