I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
