I could make wine with my vomit
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
