I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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