Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
