She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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