Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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