"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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