not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
