everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Everclear isn't food dammit
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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