in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
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