I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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