So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
