My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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