Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
