he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
