I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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