I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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