So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
