oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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