Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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