I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
