Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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