I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
