I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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