God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
