took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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